My dark, low-sodium life . . .

I and my father share the same curse: we actually give a *&#^#!! what people think of us. I've been almost a year at LBCC now. I've gotten over my initial vertigo at being unexpectedly dumped in a secular environment after four years of PHC cushy-ness (and yes, it was extremely cushy by comparison). I talk to people. I volunteer for things. I flirt mildly with the guys. People like me, and I like them. And yet . . .

1. Why, when given the opportunity to talk about God's blessings last night, did I stupidly start spouting crap about "karma?"

2. Why, after having been subjected to an absolutely FOUL screenplay in screenwriting class, did I not say _anything_, even though I KNEW I wasn't the only one in the class who was uncomfortable?

3. Why do I always change the subject when someone asks me about the school I used to go to?

4. Why is it easier for me to admit to being a conservative than a Christian?

5. Why, when I hear my friends ridicule other, more-vocal (Christ bless them) Christians on campus, do I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut?

I am so ashamed of myself. But I don't know how to stand up for what's right without people thinking I'm a jerk (a consequence, perhaps, of growing up with a mom who _didn't_ give a $#!!% what people thought about her, and who constantly embarrassed my over-cautious teenage self...). God put me at this school for a reason. And I feel like I've majorly blown it.

I've been reading through old PHC quotes, and I'm crying. It all seems very far away... is it possible that the joy and friendship and virtue and love that I shared there really existed? It all seems rather like a dream from where I sit . . .

The angels are laughing . . .

So - after a week in which I had realized how rapidly povertous I was becoming (&%$#!!% health insurance!!), and a night in which I cried alot over my rapidly approaching poverty, I answered my cell phone today and who should be on the other end but an interviewer from the U.S. Census Bureau, calling about the application I sent them back in February (Uncle Sam: "We get the job done. Late."). Seems they want me to start work for them as a "Lister" starting next week (sounds like a position at Dickens' "Circumlocution Office"!! I think it mostly involves interviewing people and verifying addresses . . .)

I'm limp with relief. Of course, it doesn't solve all my problems (God knows I still need to learn how to Trust). Pray that the hours will be flexible enough to allow me to finish out the semester at school, stage-manage the Fight Show, and still get hours at my other job (Laundress Extraordinaire!).

God is good.

In Mundum . . .???

Can I spiritually justify being involved in a fun, funny, farcical play which is heavily sprinkled with sexual innuendo and adultery?

More on this later.

Bonum Verbum

It's odd. It seems like every late-winter for the past three or four years, I've found myself in spiritual darkness: depressed, struggling to hope, struggling to trust, susceptable to the curl-up-in-your-room-and-don't-come-out coping strategies. Sometimes it's because of personal struggles, sometimes because of things happening around me . . . but it always comes to a fore during Lent. I keep the Season, so to speak, but never in a very distinctive way, so I'm wondering why Satan seems to enjoy knocking little-old-foot-soldier-me out of commission anyway. Darnit, I really don't see myself as that much of a threat, especially these days.

Is it just 'cause he's bitter?

Anyway - while curled up on my bed the other day, crying my eyes out, I lit upon this verse, which I had never read before and which I proceeded to write large upon my forearm and memorise:

Rejoice not over me, o mine enemy,
When I fall, I shall rise;
Though I sit in darkness,
The LORD will be a Light to me. Micah 7:8

A goodly life-verse for those of us prone to darker melancholies. Late-winter will wane. Spring IS coming, and with it . . . RESURRECTION!!!

Ah, the Joys of Tech Week

So, 12 Angry Men opens tomorrow, and I am one of it's official Light Techs.

Which basically means I show up, sweep the stage, mop the stage, channel-check (push a series of buttons that cycle through the different light-chanells and pretend to know what I'm doing), then sit with an important-looking head-set on in the Tech Cave and push a button 34 times over our two-hour show :-)

There have been no ladders involved, so, I'm happy (though I did get to push my boss around on one while he balaced thirty-feet above my head, focusing lights). I did get a piece of wooden-riser embedded in my thumb, which I've been wearing around like a badge of honor for a few days.

There are sooo many things I know now that I wish I'd used back in my ET days!! How to adjust a source-4. How to put together a cue-script. How to organize and call cues. What the function of a Stage-Manager actually is (in ET, the Director actually did most of the things that a Stage Manager handles in professional theater. Think of all the work I could've delegated if I'd only known!!).

I love theater. Wish it paid ;-)

Fly, little Eaglet!

Saturday was my brother's official Eagle Scout Court of Honor. He "graduated" to Eagle with five other guys, all from his troop, which makes @ 10-12 scouts from Troop 140 that have made Eagle in the last few years (to put that in perspective: only 2% of Boy Scouts ever reach Eagle rank, so, for those 12, 588 young men didn't make it).

There was something so good, so decent and . . . healthy about the whole thing. Before the "pinning" ceremony, the other Troop 140 scouts - the little guys who haven't even made Life Scout yet - gathered onstage and went through this thing where they all read from a card about the significance of the Scout Oath (a Scout is brave, reverent, clean, obedient, etc.). Then each of the new Eagles came up and honored both of their parents and a mentor with a special pin, before they themselves received their new neckercheifs and Eagle badges. Each of these guys had to finish a substantial community service project in order to gain their rank, which they must organize, fund-raise for, and execute with the help of their troop - so, not only did they finish their own projects, they also had to help out on several other Eagle projects in the mean time. We watched slideshow after slideshow of these six guys organizing charity food-pantries, regrouting grimy women's-shelter showers, pouring cement, re-planting gardens, as well as other boy stuff like climbing mountains, filming backyard war-movies, throwing tomahawks and setting things on fire :-)

I really hope the things they learned will stay with them, that they'll remember them when it counts. Watching the ceremony gave me just a teensy little ray of hope for the future of mankind. Hurrah for the Boy Scouts, long may they be gender-segregated!

Academic Bureucracy Strikes Again (and/or "Bad Times at LBCC - Everybody Start Panicking")

So, two of my favorite classes just got cut b/c of budget contraints. No more Theater Management or Stage Lighting. :-( Which means I need to find another 3 unit class to take. Should I go for the practical, and take a Microsoft Office class? Or something more fun and take Intro to Film?

I shouldn't despair too much: I'm still planning on crewing for the shows this semester, no matter what. So, I'll keep you updated on the ladder situation :-)