Thursday, April 30, 2009

My dark, low-sodium life . . .

I and my father share the same curse: we actually give a *&#^#!! what people think of us. I've been almost a year at LBCC now. I've gotten over my initial vertigo at being unexpectedly dumped in a secular environment after four years of PHC cushy-ness (and yes, it was extremely cushy by comparison). I talk to people. I volunteer for things. I flirt mildly with the guys. People like me, and I like them. And yet . . .

1. Why, when given the opportunity to talk about God's blessings last night, did I stupidly start spouting crap about "karma?"

2. Why, after having been subjected to an absolutely FOUL screenplay in screenwriting class, did I not say _anything_, even though I KNEW I wasn't the only one in the class who was uncomfortable?

3. Why do I always change the subject when someone asks me about the school I used to go to?

4. Why is it easier for me to admit to being a conservative than a Christian?

5. Why, when I hear my friends ridicule other, more-vocal (Christ bless them) Christians on campus, do I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut?

I am so ashamed of myself. But I don't know how to stand up for what's right without people thinking I'm a jerk (a consequence, perhaps, of growing up with a mom who _didn't_ give a $#!!% what people thought about her, and who constantly embarrassed my over-cautious teenage self...). God put me at this school for a reason. And I feel like I've majorly blown it.

I've been reading through old PHC quotes, and I'm crying. It all seems very far away... is it possible that the joy and friendship and virtue and love that I shared there really existed? It all seems rather like a dream from where I sit . . .

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The angels are laughing . . .

So - after a week in which I had realized how rapidly povertous I was becoming (&%$#!!% health insurance!!), and a night in which I cried alot over my rapidly approaching poverty, I answered my cell phone today and who should be on the other end but an interviewer from the U.S. Census Bureau, calling about the application I sent them back in February (Uncle Sam: "We get the job done. Late."). Seems they want me to start work for them as a "Lister" starting next week (sounds like a position at Dickens' "Circumlocution Office"!! I think it mostly involves interviewing people and verifying addresses . . .)

I'm limp with relief. Of course, it doesn't solve all my problems (God knows I still need to learn how to Trust). Pray that the hours will be flexible enough to allow me to finish out the semester at school, stage-manage the Fight Show, and still get hours at my other job (Laundress Extraordinaire!).

God is good.

Friday, April 3, 2009

In Mundum . . .???

Can I spiritually justify being involved in a fun, funny, farcical play which is heavily sprinkled with sexual innuendo and adultery?

More on this later.