Thursday, April 30, 2009

My dark, low-sodium life . . .

I and my father share the same curse: we actually give a *&#^#!! what people think of us. I've been almost a year at LBCC now. I've gotten over my initial vertigo at being unexpectedly dumped in a secular environment after four years of PHC cushy-ness (and yes, it was extremely cushy by comparison). I talk to people. I volunteer for things. I flirt mildly with the guys. People like me, and I like them. And yet . . .

1. Why, when given the opportunity to talk about God's blessings last night, did I stupidly start spouting crap about "karma?"

2. Why, after having been subjected to an absolutely FOUL screenplay in screenwriting class, did I not say _anything_, even though I KNEW I wasn't the only one in the class who was uncomfortable?

3. Why do I always change the subject when someone asks me about the school I used to go to?

4. Why is it easier for me to admit to being a conservative than a Christian?

5. Why, when I hear my friends ridicule other, more-vocal (Christ bless them) Christians on campus, do I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut?

I am so ashamed of myself. But I don't know how to stand up for what's right without people thinking I'm a jerk (a consequence, perhaps, of growing up with a mom who _didn't_ give a $#!!% what people thought about her, and who constantly embarrassed my over-cautious teenage self...). God put me at this school for a reason. And I feel like I've majorly blown it.

I've been reading through old PHC quotes, and I'm crying. It all seems very far away... is it possible that the joy and friendship and virtue and love that I shared there really existed? It all seems rather like a dream from where I sit . . .

1 comment:

  1. Why? Because, that's the old sin nature. Here in the Bible-Belt, I'm not nearly as embarrassed discussing church, or even Theology, as I am talking about where I work and my political opinions. So, I think I understand how you feel. I'm trying to pick one person to focus on with spiritual discussions, and five things I can say about my job. Maybe that would help you too.